The longest time
I must hold on
Is a single day
I tell myself
Before the sweet relief
Of sleep absorbs the mind
I dream restlessly
I abdicate myself
Of ownership of my brain
I tumble into
A chasm of conditionals
I am embraced
‘Do you collect Ambers?’
I joked, gazing up
You laughed and kissed me
You.
I cannot find reprieve
I think,
and stab myself over again
With the ice pick you drove through
The tenderest flesh of my body.
A name is the only thing that connects us
Yet now binds me to you to her
It was fine before:
When I could think of nothing else
For I thought of your soft words
The harsh drag of your stubble
Against my skin
These are now tainted
I feel dirty
I cry to feel clean
I dive from a cliff to catch up with my plummeting insides
I’m not afraid of heights today
And the cold water I splash into
Soothes my flaming soul
Memories:
bittersweet mothers
Examples against recurrence
Fortified with humiliation and regret
If each were optional
Would we repeat those we choose to forget
In the absence of detterence
Swirling, pounding my mind
Pulling my eyelids down
I am a desperate wanderer
Seeking refuge in sleep
Take me in,
Wrap me in time lost
Enrobe me in blissful quiet
