Amber Rants: Ill in Body, Ill in Mind

I don't feel like myself.

I hate depression.

Oh my fucking god this is already so cliche. Maybe I've not had it as bad as other people, but in my life, I have had two 'major' depressive periods and a handful of other shorter 'episodes'. This is the second of the two, and there's also a thing called depersonalisation, which is when I just feel absent from myself.

Apparently, prolonged illness can make you depressed. No fucking shit. I have not been out to see anyone that isn't my family in weeks, I don't leave the house for longer than a couple of hours every blue moon, and half of me can't even be bothered to try and talk to my friends. So am I surprised I feel this way? Nope. This is just me at the moment: lonely and sad and irritable and ill.

I'm not going to tell you all of the ways my life has fallen apart which has led me to this position et cetera because I don't need to justify that. I feel still so ill which already is bad enough, alongside this crippling anxiety always eating at me because it's an important year for me in terms of work, and there are mountains of pressure (which is always denied) from everyone. Apparently I could be ill for another month, apparently I'll be caught up to speed, but when I stop because I can notice how fast my heart rate is, I know that this anxiety is not something that can just be laughed off. I'm a worrier at the best of times, but everything feels like it's converging on the end of this year, what with moving out of this stupid house and everything else going on.

The worst part might be how lonely I am. So yes, fuck you, when you make a joke out of the fact that the guy I like didn't text me back, just because he's busy. I call a couple of my friends, but half of me doesn't want to talk to anyone. If I talk to most of my friends, every conversation begins with 'when are you coming back' and ends with 'when are you coming back' because I have nothing to talk about. The rest of my friends probably can't work out why I'm lonely because I technically 'talk' to them on Facebook, but I am. I don't know either. But I know I'm sad, and angry for who knows what reason.

I hate everything that's happened. I hate still being ill. I hate that I've put on weight. I hate that my friends, the guy I thought liked me and wanted to take me out, and everyone is just growing distant. I hate that I'm growing distant from myself because my mind and body are two separate things, my mind is bored and hating not being able to do anything. Sometimes I feel... fine I guess, just ill, but I'm mostly desperately low with nothing to even take my mind off it. There's only so much Netflix you can watch.

'Come up with something to do for yourself'. OH YEAH, because clearly there's so much you can do, when you head hurts 80% of the time, you're shivering even in the bath, and going downstairs to make a cup of tea tires you out. Thanks for that 10/10 advice.

Waiting till I get better, inside and out, because what else can a girl do :)